Sister Syd: Canada Week 24: There is opposition in all things

Hello everyone! Wow - I hit 6 months! I can't believe I am already a third of the way done with my mission! The number of lessons I've learned here and the ways in which I've grown make the time almost immeasurable. Before I left on my mission I was briefly told in passing that missions are hard, but never did anyone explain to my why or how. People simply stated, "it's gonna be hard." While I am grateful for that slight 'warning' per say, I never really comprehended or prepared myself on just how hard it would be. This week was on the low of my everyday mission roller coaster I'm riding. It has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I know mission emails don't typically contain struggles, but I feel like I should share a little bit about what I learned from this low time.

Other titles to this email could've been:
*The power of Satan is as strong as we allow for it to be in our lives.
*Doubt despair and questions. have you unsettled?
*Personal conversion is a process
*Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us
*Being human is hard

Personal study has always been one of my favorite parts of my mission. This is a time where I connect with my Heavenly Father and my Savior one on one. This past week I found myself asking myself why I believed what I believed. I grew up in the church. My family has always been very active in the church. I loved going to church and learning every Sunday in sacrament meeting and in my classes and developing my own testimony. I have been taught that God is real - I have also been taught that Satan is real. I can now testify that I have learned here in Canada that Satan is very very real! He has a way to get into our thought process and mess with our emotions and drag us down to how he feels. I have experienced small moments of this before, but this week was particularly hard and I had to hold on tight to God. I got frustrated with myself that I was even questioning why I believed because I know this gospel is true and I know I have a Heavenly Father and Savior. God has provided me with many amazing spiritual experiences in which I have attained this knowledge. I allowed Satan to cloud my judgement and to cloud my memory of these amazing experiences. I allowed him to drag me down into a rut and let me feel like I couldn't get out. God allows there to be "opposition in all things," so we may know the good from the evil. At the moment I realized that I was allowing Satan to get inside my head and drag me down - I also realized that God is more powerful and that I needed to turn to Him and hang on no matter how hard it got.

So the lesson (or rather lessons) I learned this week is this: This is all part of our mortal experience and "shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:5-8) and will aid in our conversion process. We can all attain and have a testimony, but until we are truly converted to the Lord in what we believe, our testimonies (in a sense) are not safe. We have to continually add to what we know and what we believe. We must continually strengthen our testimony. Conversion is a lifelong process and at times we will experience our personal "refiners fire." The pressure from how hard it can get allows for us to become what God needs us to be. It is so important that no matter how hard life becomes we must always remember that God is there for us ALWAYS! He understands that it is hard, but knows this is all part of our individual plans here on Earth. He knows what we will go through and how we will get through it because He knows this is the best way we will learn what we need to learn. We have to trust God in all things and as hard as it is - it will be worth it! Doctrine & Covenants 121:7-9 states, "...PEACE be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

I listened to a talk a while back where the speaker stated that Satan can mimic almost anything we feel but the difference is the peace we feel from God. He can and will NEVER be able to give us the peace that God can give us. We have to learn how that peace feels and how to cling to it at all times - especially when times get tough. I started writing down the times I have felt peace and when I recognized signs from God that He is real and that He is there. This has really helped change my mindset. I know when we look for ways that we are blessed and express our gratitude for these things, it can help us beat the adversary. This will also soften our hearts so we may be more receptive to the word and to the spirit of God.

Even though this week was hard, there were still so many good things that happened here in Edmonton. Once again - we need to experience the good and the bad to recognize how blessed we are - and usually the good times do outweigh the bad. One great thing is that Rachel Crawford is here! She is a sweet girl from the YSA ward I served in when I first got to Canada. She quickly became a best friend and is now a VISA waiting missionary in this mission and she was placed in my zone! She helped me though my first transfer and in return she expressed to me that I helped her through some really tough times. God continues to be so good!

My crazy mouth problem is getting a little better. I have been taking an antibiotic all week and went to see the dentist. His office was downtown so we drove there, paid for parking, and then were only there for ten minutes. He wants me to come back this week to get an x-ray and figure out what is really going on. After the dentist my phone died so we didn't have a map to get home. We prayed that God would help us to remember and recognize the way we got there...and sure enough...we made it safely home!

My companion and I attended our ward relief society activity this past week and I was able to talk with some of the members and build a closer relationship with them. I talked to one member about triplets! Since I have 13 year old triplet brothers and she has 9 year old triplets it was really fun to talk about life with triplets! Then another member came and told me how much her kids loved having me in their home. It was so sweet. I have been praying for an answer as to how my missionary efforts were affecting the ward and I was able to receive and answer through this wonderful member who I adore!

I LOVE being in the missionary choir! The spirit I feel when singing was just what my heart needed after this week. It was such a spiritual boost! We had three performances in a row this past weekend on Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening. I am so grateful for this opportunity to sing and to witness how the spirit that touches me through music also touches those who come to listen. At one performance in particular the spirit was so strong! After the program we get to mingle with people in the crowd and this night I was able to see a sweet lady we got to sing to at the hospital around Christmas. Her husband was in the brain trauma unit and she had just been told they were going to take him off the ventilator when we came by to sing for her. While we sang her favorite hymns she just cried. It was such a tender mercy to get to see her again. She was in tears at how beautiful the performance was and that made everything worth it.

I just want to say that if you are struggling - if you are questioning or doubting or wondering - I want you to know that I believe there is a God. I believe we have a Savior who has felt EVERYTHING we have felt, or that we will ever feel, and even things we might not ever feel. He experienced it ALL for us! There is a wonderful and glorious plan for each and everyone of us and that each plan is perfect. I know that the things we experience and go through are for our good and that they will teach us lessons that we can only learn and apply into our own lives. Something is probably always going to be hard - so hard - but it is also going to be so worth it! This is a weakness we have while on Earth. It's sometimes hard for our mortal brains to completely comprehend or understand the power of God. We just need to trust in His power and in His love and hold on tight to that. I hope that you can all trust God wherever you are in your own personal conversion process. I love and miss you all!

Love, Sister Merrill